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Posted on June 16, 2007 by eHarmony Marriage | Posted under Marriage Wedding
Inside the Mind of the Married Man: How to Teach Him Some New Tricks
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The popularity of the article is understandable. The battle of the sexes is a perennial favorite. Plus what woman doesn't enjoy the comparison of a domesticated husband to a seal balancing a ball on its nose? But at the end of the day, the article struck a chord because we are a culture with a 50% divorce rate. We are hungry for any nugget of wisdom that will make marriage less...hard. We've put together a few fresh tips from behavioral marriage therapists (and those wise animal trainers) to get you more of what you want from your husband and less of what you don't. Stop doing what doesn't work. Have you ever seen the Dog Whisperer nag Fido into not making a mess in the house? If it doesn't work with man's best friend, it's not likely to work with the man either. Keep this in mind the next time you find the dirty dishes still in the sink and your husband still in front of the TV! Nagging is profoundly disrespectful. Respect needs to be at the foundation of all your interactions with your husband. A nagger acts like a parent, not like a partner. Naggers also indulge in an unhealthy attitude of entitlement. They assume their spouses have no say in when or how high they should jump when a command is issued. So make every effort to banish this toxic behavior from your repertoire. Do more of what does work. Behavior tends to be molded by its consequences. Marriage therapists say behaviors are learned responses caused by reinforcement. In other words, to really bring about long-lasting change it's best to reward the behavior you want and ignore the behavior you don't. This can require the patience of a saint at first but stick with it. The results can be transformative. Here's what to do the next time the clothes don't quite make it into the hamper: - Focus on the messages you send. Make sure they are clear and precise. Avoid incongruent messages. - Model the behaviors you want to see. So if you want your husband to pick up after himself, set a good example and do it yourself. - Reward little steps in the right direction known to behavior specialists as approximations. If he drops his pants in the hamper but doesn't drop his shirt, this baby step with his pants needs to be acknowledged, and that leads to the next step. - When he does the desired behavior, provide positive feedback. Show your appreciation - verbally and non-verbally. Be profuse. Really try to create the link between a specific behavior and a good outcome in his mind. - When he does the undesired behavior, don't react. Behaviors that don't get a response tend to die away. Don't expect him to think the way you do. Plain and simple, he doesn't and never will. We're not just talking about male and female differences here. We are reminding you that every individual is unique. Psychologists say too many people dismiss this vital point. Each person brings unique perspectives, approaches and motivations to the table based on his/her specific upbringing, personality, life experiences and so on. Try to consider how you and your husband differ more objectively. For example, did he see his father take out the trash every night instead of do the dishes? Is that why he tends to do one thing with ease and resist another? We know taking a deep breath and trying to maintain perspective can be difficult if frustration and resentment have created distance between the two of you. But if you want positive change to enter your marriage, you need to be that change. It won't happen magically. With every impasse that emerges in your marriage, take a step back. Make every effort to be empathetic and really strive to consider how your husband views the situation. Before you attack a problem or him, stop to consider what motivates him, what he likes, dislikes, what comes easy to him and what doesn't. Use this information to inform your approach. This tactic will get you better results and help you choose your battles more wisely. Be realistic. Some behaviors aren't going anywhere. They are too entrenched or too instinctive. It's not too likely he is ever going to opt to go shopping with you instead of watch the big game. As Oprah wisely advises, it is often best to surrender to some things in a relationship. If it is not essential to your happiness, try to let it go. We all know that forcing a person to change never works in the long run. No matter how much you wish it did, marriage doesn't come with a one-size-fits-all instruction manual. A man and a woman living together is challenging. Period. There's no way around it. Struggle to be rational in how you approach your husband. Remember that your reactions - either negative or positive - fuel his behavior. About The Author: eHarmony Marriage is a new, online alternative to marriage counseling. It's a private, personalized program that is designed to help you enjoy a stronger, happier and healthier relationship. We use your answers to our marriage questionnaire to focus on your areas of greatest need. When you visit eHarmony Marriage and take our questionnaire you'll receive a FREE Marriage Action Pl |
Tags: MARRIAGE HELP, INTIMACY, ROMANCE, RELATIONSHIP ADVICE, SEX, MARRIAGE COUNSELING, COMMUNICATION
