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Posted on December 29, 2008 by KattChat | Posted under Dating
Is He the Right One for You?
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Common Activities: While your guy may not enjoy every girly movie that you do, is he capable of enjoying something other than fight-race-blowup-movies? At the very least, when you watch your sad chick-flick, will he act in an understanding way toward your tears and give you a comforting hug? A sensitive side is a nice attribute to have, even if he only shows it you, so he can remain the tough guy with his friends. Do you like to play sports or games? Will your guy be able to join you in some of these activities and will it be a problem if you wipe the floor with him during your more competitive days? A man with a chip on his shoulder about strong women can be a real turn off; make sure he will support your ventures in life, not hold you back. Stamina can be an essential to match; whether it's couch potato or sky diver will you be dragging him around still half awake, or will he be carting you about? Having matching time tables can be an excellent way to avoid unnecessary resentment and fighting. Life Goals: What do you dream about in your future? Do his goals mesh well with yours? Many women hope to have families someday, even if that day is still years away; have you spoken about children and your future together? It can be a scary subject to bring up, but in the end if you have equally strong, but opposing ideas of the perfect future, you might want to know that sooner rather than later. How do your religious and political views compare? It might seem silly when you're still in the early stages of a relationship, the catch-tickle-make love, if you will, but later on these issues can and have broken many couples apart. If his ethics are too dissimilar to your own the future may hold too many squabbles to manage. Discussing some of these topics so that you have a fair understanding of each other's points of view is an excellent way to ease a little anxiety. Finance: Currently you may keep your finances separate, or perhaps you already have joint checking? However you plan to handle your budget it's good to know how you both feel about this issue as it is one of the number one causes of stress in relationships. Are riches something that you find it important? Some people have very different ideas about what the definition for financial success is; how do your economic aspirations compare to your man's? If one of person in the relationship would rather have the time to spend together, rather than be apart working on financial gain, this might cause some serious problems in your relationship. Environment: Most big moves forward in a relationship involve sharing the same space which will be a vital part of your lives. Keeping in mind that your guy will want some décor of his own, how do you feel about his choices? Will you be able to combine living spaces without your wanting to scream at least once a week? It can be difficult to compromise on decorations, themes and all those little knick-knacks that you love; taking a look at your guy's home now will give you an excellent idea of what he'll want to bring along, which may induce a little preemptive discussion. How You Dress: While on your own the only requirements for dressing you'll know will be those of society and perhaps your job; combining lives opens the door for his criticism which could possibly make you uncomfortable. Will he mind you PJ's and fuzzy slippers, or that old grungy t-shirt? Attempting to look beautiful 24 hours a day is too exhausting for most women, even though a few try, and dealing with his critical eye might just drive you crazy. Make sure that you will be able to be comfortable when you're in the mood for a more casual day of dress. How does your man dress? Perhaps when he sees you the nice clothing comes out, but once you've made that move in together the moth eaten, thread-bare clothing will come out? It might only be a little thing, even cute sometimes when you're at home, but how will he dress when you go out to dinner or even the dreaded holiday with the in-laws? Being repelled or embarrassed by a person's clothing taste can put a lot of strain on a relationship; keep it in mind when sizing up the details. Habits: Spending a significant amount of time with another person, for example marrying them means you will see pretty much every flaw they have to offer. Does your guy have any particularly gruesome habits that you don't think you can live with? When you're in the beginning of a relationship it can be easy to overlook certain aspects of your partner's personality simply because you're focused on all of those things you love about him. Does he chew with his mouth closed? Cut toenails in bed? Many of these things might change once you live together and hopefully his current bad habits are only around because you live in separate locations, but if he can't be budged on a few that will drive you insane these could be the very things that eventually drive you apart. Unfortunately it can be hard to gage which little habit will the last straw, the toilet lid being left up or the hairs in the sink from shaving? Discussing the idea of compromise with him if you are moving in together can be an excellent way to make sure he's on board for some change. Pets: Perhaps you met while walking your matching dogs in the park? If so you may have the entire pet issue worked out, if not, it might be time to think about it. While it may not seem like a big deal initially, many couples actually break up over disagreements about pets. Whether it's a cat people verses dog people, or pet lovers verses animal hair haters, it can be a difficult issue. Some people are severely allergic to animal hair and don't think to mention it until the pet idea is introduced; others simply have fears about germs or find animals inside to be unsanitary. Opposing opinions on the pet issue, depending on how strongly you both feel, might be enough to give you pause about a life time commitment. Try to discuss how he feels about that little dog you've always wanted or the fluffy cat you've had your eye on before you commit your house to being a no-pet zone. Friends and Relations: Get it Out Now: If you have known your guy for a long enough period of time that you are considering getting serious, you probably already know a good deal about his friends and family; while these people are not actually the one you commit to, you do share your life with them, like it or not. When talking over these issues you will need to be very understanding, but don't hold back how you feel or it will keep coming back k to haunt you. Friends: How do you feel about his friends? Does he have any in particular that you have a real problem with and if so why? Is he aware of your feelings and does he think them to be valid? It can be, not just inconvenient, but horrible to be in love with a man who has friends that you can't stand. In all likelihood you will end up having to spend some time with them and at the very least they will occasionally be in your home, which feels far too personal for nasty invaders. Be sure about how you feel regarding his friends and make sure he understands your point of view, before you find yourself miserably having the same argument, again and again, over that one immature jerk he just won't let go of. Family: Holidays, birthdays...you name it and they will be there. Family, especially the much feared mother-in-law type can be quite the trial for a gal who is trying to make a good impression. If you feel any friction with his family, be sure to talk it over before some disaster takes place. Is his mother's cooking ALWAYS better than yours no matter how hard you try? Does his father eyeball you a little more than he should? Any siblings to worry about? Discussing these issues before they become fights can help to better prepare you for those tiresome scenes, when you know your guy is on your side and is secretly rolling his eyes too. Intimacy and Communication: Discussion: Thinking about spending the rest, or even just a sizable portion of, your life with a guy is a scary choice to make; moving forward when you already have difficulties communicating can make it ten times worse. Do you already feel that he holds back, or that you do because you're not sure about how he will react to touchy subjects? Having excellent communicational skills with you man is one of the most important parts of a relationship; if you feel this is a part of your relationship that needs work it's best to bring it up now. Perhaps your guy will rolls his eyes, some men really despise relationship discussion, but if he cares he will want to know how you feel about things that are important to you. Remember that if he is like many other men and has no real desire to hash this out, be patient with him and don't prattle on for hours; be clear about your concerns, even write few notes before you bring it up so you have a few examples to show him, this can help resolve issues with your guy before his attention span wavers. Getting Close: Men are simply not, usually, raised the way women are. While girls are encouraged to share their feelings and be exactly who they are, whether it be pretty pink, tough tomboy or a mix of the two; men are being taught that crying is for girls, to be tough and never, ever to talk about your feelings! While a large portion of the male population is figuring out that it's a little ridiculous to expect robot behavior simply because you don't have breasts, many are still caught up in the cliché and will find it difficult to open up emotionally, even with the woman they love. Some women may find this to be a challenge, perhaps they have seen a softer side and know that with a little love and encouragement their guy will open up in time. Others may view this as too much baggage when there are men out there who feel good about their feelings and emotions. Taking a look at the other end of the rainbow that is human emotion, some men are extremely emotional and moody; this can be an endearing quality in the beginning when a woman feels that her guy is sensitive, but after many years of being the stable one in the relationship, some women tend to feel very let down and tired of taking on the role of emotional pillar. As these two extreme versions of the male emotions are both very stressful for a woman to handle, especially when looking at them spanning over many years, it is definitely a good idea to make sure that your guy is at least aware of these problems and is willing to work with you on them. Self Image: Now there are many important pieces in a relationship that make it work or fall apart, but perhaps the most important one to be sure about before making any kind of commitment is: Do you like the person you are when you are with him? This is no trivial fight, if you have to become another person to make your relationship work, it probably won't last, especially if you don't really like the way you act and feel when you are taking on the role. A man who adds to your life will come with difficulty and some forced compromises, but he shouldn't have to change you as a person to make you fit into his life. Many women tend to change around certain men because they feel insecure about who they are and seem to think that without this act, they will not find a person to love them. The truth is, you don't need a man in your life, you want one and you shouldn't have to change who you are for him to fall madly in love with you. It can be difficult if you've been in a relationship to know if this process is taking place, hopefully your friends and family will have mentioned it, but because many people feel it isn't their right to interfere, try this checklist of some of the most common changes that take place when a woman is changing too much for the man she loves: When dining out does he usually pick where and what to eat? When you are together are most of the activities those that he enjoyed before you even became a couple? Do you have sex whenever he wants to, even when you don't really feel like it? Are you neglecting your friends and family even after the usual amount that takes place at the beginning of a relationship? If he doesn't enjoy or can't be included in something that you like do you discard it? Have you changed the way you dress to suit him and not yourself? When talking to other people, is he, or subjects that relate to him, the only topic you bring up? The only person who truly knows whether or not you are capable and ready to make a commitment to another person is you. Despite the enormous wealth of information and tips that you can find in various places, there will always be tiny details about your relationship that simply aren't covered. If you still feel extremely concerned, try talking to someone close to you, who you trust to give you honest advice about your future. Remember that most women, even on the day of their dream weddings, feel a bit nervous; it usually indicates that you take the situation very seriously and know exactly what a large responsibility commitment is, if he feels the same way, your future together will probably be a bright and happy one. About The Author: To learn more about dating online please check out the best online dating websites reviewed by VillageMatchMaker.com |
Tags: COMMITMENT, NEW RELATIONSHIP, PROBLEMS WITH MEN, MEN IN RELATIONSHIPS, ADVICE FOR WOMEN, FEMALE POINT OF VIEW, WOMEN IN RELATIONSHIPS, FEAR OF COMMITM
