Mind Your (Table) Manners!

Table manners are a murky subject. We all remember our mothers telling us *something* over and over at dinner time. "Mets ta main sur la table!" was my Mom's refrain (French for "Put your hand on the table!"). Would a Chinese, Iranian or Nigerian child hear the same thing? In many American homes I've heard, "Chew with your mouth closed," and, "Don't talk with your mouth full."

If you asked me what good French table manners encompass, I would probably be able to come up with about a dozen rules. The other 150 I couldn't tell you until I saw you breaking them. What's considered appropriate and polite is ingrained in each of us. It's stored in our subconscious and we don't even know it. The only way we find out is when we have a gut reaction to what someone else is doing and just know it's "wrong." Especially at the table, our reactions tend to be visceral and we're quick to judge something as "disgusting."

Imagine you're preparing for your first trip to a new country. You can make yourself understood in your new language, at least you can order your food. You know you have a few business meals scheduled--how do you know to be polite?

Here are a few points you want to be clear on before you go:

1. Seating arrangements

Are there seats around the table that are reserved for the guest of honor, or the host? Do you wait to be seated or are you supposed to know where to sit? Do couples sit together? Do men and women eat together? What about children? Sitting in the wrong spot might be rude and make your host uncomfortable.

2. Eating utensils

One of my favorite things to do with my German class is to take them to a German restaurant and show them how to eat with the fork in their left hand, the knife in the right and ask them to not switch hands. They realize how awkward it is, and we've had many a good laugh at seeing someone missing their mouth with the fork because the student couldn't find it with their left hand!

I'm sure that if you are from an Asian country, you have a great time watching frustrated Westerners handle their chopsticks and chasing a piece of food around the plate...

I remember my first few meals in India. We were in Chennai (Madras) and getting used to eating with our (right!) hand. A waiter took us on as an education project and showed us just how this is to be done: stay close to your banana leaf, don't tilt your head back, move the food into your mouth swiftly... and don't make a mess. It's easier said than done!

Sometimes, the utensils used vary with the food that's being served. Can you eat fruit with your hands? Is there a knife dedicated for eating fish? A glass for just one type of beverage?

Find out about the placement of eating utensils, too. There are particular ways of placing chopsticks before and after the meal, the teapot shouldn't point in specific directions, a knife and fork should be placed parallel when you're done eating, the napkin (or absence thereof) can be a problematic prop--the list is varied and endless.

3. Noise or no noise?

As much as Europeans consider noisy eaters to be rude, silent eaters can be judged as rude elsewhere. Are you supposed to slurp, smack your lips or burp, or will that get you into trouble? In some countries, it's not even an issue. Be sure to practice ahead of time, as these are some of the hardest habits to change, and doing the *new* thing might have your parents screaming in the back of your head!

4. Quantities

I learned a lesson years ago as a student in Berlin. I became friends with my Lebanese neighbors--we were the same age, 20, yet our cultural backgrounds couldn't have been more different. They had two adorable little daughters, ages 4 and 2, and a third on the way. The mom didn't speak German, and I didn't speak Arabic, so the dad helped us communicate in broken German. For the most part, we made do with gestures and drawing pictures. We enjoyed each others' company.

One occasion stands out vividly in my mind. I had been over in the afternoon and was served coffee and cookies while we were looking at family pictures. I wasn't used to drinking coffee, and theirs was very strong. I had drunk what was in my little cup and was offered more. Even though I declined, I was served more. I drank it as slowly as I could, my head already buzzing. When I got to the end of that cup and thanked my host and made it clear that I really didn't want any more. She got up and made more.

Why would she make more coffee when I just said I had had plenty? I didn't want to be rude, so I drank the new cup. I decided to get up and leave right after finishing, so she couldn't give me more and escape the situation. What was going on?

The mystery was solved several weeks later, when I invited my friend and her two little girls to come over for some cake and apple juice. It only dawned on me after they had left--there was cake left on every plate, and apple juice in every cup. Bingo!

In their tradition, you show your host that you've had enough by leaving a little in your glass and thereby demonstrating that you are satisfied. My diligence in drinking up all the coffee in my cup was a sign for her that she hadn't given me enough and she would make more and more until I left some in there. How rude I must have appeared to her to "demand" so much coffee!

In the country of your choice, how do you signal that you'd like more, or that you're done? Are you supposed to eat all that's on your plate? How many courses will the meal have? Do you need to "save some space" for what's coming? What do you do with parts of the food that can't be eaten--peels, bones and such?

5. I don't eat "X"

Refusing food is considered rude just about anywhere. Your host has spent hours preparing a meal, and you're not going to eat what's on the table? What if you're offered food that you psychologically can't handle, or if you know that your business partners can tolerate way more alcohol than you?

Some situations are tricky. My father tells of several occasions where he was the honored guest at a business meal in China. He was offered the "best" pieces--parts of animals that he had never considered eating before. There was no way out, and refusing would have been a slight to the hosts. What to do? "Augen zu und durch!" A German expression to say: "Close your eyes and go through with it!"

If there are things you absolutely can't stomach, come up with a good reason for refusing. Generally, religious reasons and health concerns ("my doctor said") are acceptable. Be sure to be consistent!

6. Communicate!

Before you go, find someone who can coach you during a meal. Ask the person to point out any grave mistakes and possible deadends. Be as prepared as you can. One resource that has helped me is a Lonely Planet travel guide. It is very superficial, but it will teach you the basics.

Even if you think you know the rules, let your host or a colleague know that you're not familiar with all aspects of the eating etiquette. This is a case where "asking for permission" is preferable to "asking for forgiveness!" Then observe carefully how everybody else behaves and try not to deviate. Good luck!

If you want to see just how well you know what you're supposed to do at meals around the world, take this humorous little test:

Don't Gross Out The World!

About The Author:
Nathalie Fairbanks publishes "Language Learning Express," an e-zine for those who want to learn a language fast! Get your FREE subscription and e-book "The 7 Language Learning Secrets Your Teachers Can't Share With You" at www.SpeakEZLanguages.com.