Operation Clean - Winning the War on a Messy House

First, I am going to design a house that is like the inside of a gym shower (a clean gym shower) or surgical room; think tiles, linoleum floors and stainless steel. Each room will be covered from top to bottom with a completely waterproof material and all the fixtures will be stainless steel. And, in the center of each room there'll be a large drain so that you can just hose off everything. Then twice a week, my wife and I can just hook up the power washer and hose down entire house from top to bottom and then squeegee the water towards the drains. Imagine the clean.

The furniture we'll keep to a minimum and will all be outdoor furniture, the kind that can get wet, repeatedly. All the beds will be those inflatable pool floaties and we'll use aluminum space blankets for warmth.

For blinds, we'll use aluminum mini blinds throughout the house. They're tough and won't rust. I think you can buy them with nylon cords and plastic wands for opening and closing the slats. No fabrics of any kind will do.

The kitchen will be like a restaurant kitchen with stainless steel surfaces and white linoleum walls. I should look into one of those industrial dishwashers too. And I'll buy one of those walk-in refrigerators, they are a lot easier to clean and with the amount of food we buy from Costco, we can easily fill it up.

The bathrooms will look a lot like the living room except that they'll have toilet and a shower head. No wood cabinets, no bathtub, no mirrors. Just a stainless steel counter and one of those reflective polished metal mirrors you see in public restrooms. They can't be broken and don't fog-up. To dry off I will install on of those head-to-toe blowers. No more wet-towels-on-the-bathroom-floor-in-a-heap-because-nobody-hangs- them-up. One last thing, obviously we will need a bidet because toilet paper is pretty much useless when it's wet.

The bedrooms will look like a lot like the other rooms in the house. As I mentioned, pool floaties will serve as beds and since they come with a pillow-like bubble, there will be no need for pillows.

The last few typical household items may take real ingenuity. I will either need a waterproof television or some kind of waterproof protective covering for the times we “clean." Or, we'll just have to ditch all electronics and read laminated books and magazines. I know that you can buy coverings for some electronics like, i-pods and cameras. Who needs them anyways?

Ok, maybe all this sounds extreme, cold and a little drastic. Not to mention expensive. But difficult situations demand immediate and hard-hitting actions and I am the decider. Sure, I could work on my own need for cleanliness and develop some patience. But there's no time for rational solutions.

Tonight I am going to present my ideas to my wife. Her input may alter the ultimate execution of some of the specifics. Who am I kidding, this will all get whittled down to another family meeting espousing the need for our kids to be more conscientious, put things away, don't eat in the living room, hang up your wet towels, etc. But what about my plans! My brilliant plans!

She'll say in her calm, compassionate tone, “Kids, Daddy's feeling frustrated and we need to work a little harder at cleaning up." And she'll be right. I am over-reacting - a little.

About The Author:
There comes a point in the child raising process where you just have to vent. I won't really get rid of the window curtains and replace them with aluminum blinds, they probably would've rusted anyways. We need some kind of window treatment to hide the mess from the neighbors. - David Brooks