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Posted on February 16, 2008 by Emily Bouchard | Posted under Home
Overcoming Baggage Left by Ex-Husband or Wife
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I first supported her in looking at the situation from some different perspectives. I offered her the possibility that her PRESENCE is more of a PRESENT to her grandchildren than any store-bought gifts. We then explored together her feelings of inadequacy and where they might be coming from. And then we discussed what might possibly be going on for her ex-husband. The caller decided to explain how her ex-husband had ditched her for a different woman and his last words were something to the effect that, while he will never be forgiven and it was wrong to do, he was doing it anyway. After listening to that, it was not too hard to decide that he is motivated largely out of a sense of guilt and shame around his choices and behaviors. And it also told me why the caller felt that huge sense of inadequacy - she was picking up on HIS feelings as much as, if not more so, her own feelings. The "Geiger Counter Phenomenon" is a phrase we use for this experience of feeling emotions that may not be yours. A Geiger counter is a machine that buzzes very crazy when it is close to something that may be radioactive. We have a device that is close to this, we usually feel it in our stomach, and it gives off strong emotions when it encounters those exact emotions in others around us. This is a highly effective tool if we know about it and how to use it. According to Fred Keyser and Heidi Fox, in their book Making it Safe to Love, "It's not just being near someone else's emotions that lights up our Geiger Counter - but specifically being near the emotions they themselves are unaware of, that make it buzz!" The caller who felt so much inadequacy was, quite possibly, picking up on her former spouse's feelings around inadequacy. As soon as you understand that you are getting a wealth of information about the person in front of you, there are many choices you have in the circumstance - as opposed to getting reactive and/or down on yourself. Action Step: Next time you find yourself feeling heavy emotions triggered by somebody's behaviors in front of you, try the these steps: 1. Breathe into your gut (or wherever the feelings are the strongest) and ask yourself to name the feelings you are experiencing (fear, anger, doubt, inadequacy, . . .) 2. Try to recall those feelings and see if they are true for you only look for facts and see if you have any reason to feel scared, angry, inadequate, etc. 3. Explore the possibility that the person in front of you might have these feelings just below the surface and not even know they are there. 4. See yourself circled by a circle of love and compassion. Know that in that point you are 100% protected and okay. Visualize yourself giving back those negative thoughts to the person in front of you, while having compassion for them and their lack of awareness about what's going on for them. By taking responsibility and claiming what is truly yours, AND not taking-on their stuff, you get to feel the power of being present for yourself and the other person in the moment, and also you get to be free from what used to set your emotions and make you feel like there was something messed about you. Many years after experiencing a divorce, couples are still very connected and triggered by each other, and this usually has to do with how they have picked up on each other's emotions and taken them on throughout the years. This process will do wonders towards being free from hooks that still set you off. NOTE: Use of this article requires links to be intact. About The Author: Emily Bouchard, MSSW, offers a free ezine to help blended families. Also check out Emily's blended family website. |
Tags: EX-HUSBAND, FORMER SPOUSE, CHILDREN, EX-WIFE, FUN, INADEQUATE, BEHAVIORS, GEIGER COUNTER, HEIDI FOX, MAKING IT SAFE TO LOVE, FEEL SCARED, ANGER, DOU
