Parents Who Do Too Much ~ And Kids Who Do Too Little

Are parents doing too much for kids? As we try to do everything for our children, are we inadvertently preventing our children from learning valuable life lessons? I'd like to share a story that I've included in my book. I heard it years ago and it has had a tremendous impact on my parenting, and consequently on my family life and children.

A boy from India was studying under a Master to learn of life's secrets. One day this boy found a cocoon and ran excitedly to his Master to tell him of his find. “How can I learn from this, Master? What should I do?"

The Master said to the boy, “Simply observe. Watch carefully as the butterfly emerges. Do nothing else; simply watch."

The boy ran back to the cocoon and watched and watched. Eventually, he noticed a long thin crack developing throughout the length of the cocoon. He waited excitedly as he saw one hairy leg push its way through the crack, then another, and another. Slowly, one wing broke away from the cocoon, and then another leg. But now the butterfly appeared to be stuck. Struggle as it may, the second wing clung stubbornly to the inside of the cocoon. The boy, unable to endure the anxiety of watching the butterfly's struggle, reached into the cocoon, freed the wing, and pulled the butterfly out.

The butterfly fluttered into the air for a brief moment, then spiraled down to the earth. It was unable to fly. The boy was heartbroken. He ran to his Master, saying, “Master, Master, something is terribly wrong! I did just as you said and it was exciting watching the butterfly come out of the cocoon, but now it can't fly. What happened?"

“Are you sure you only watched?" queried the Master.

“Well, I did help it a little," explained the boy. “It was having so much trouble freeing its last wing, I reached in to pull it out."

It is difficult to watch the struggle," explained the Master, “but when you reached in to pull the butterfly out, you denied it the opportunity to strengthen its own wings. That is why it can't fly."

Next time you catch yourself saving your child from her struggles in life, stop. Is this an opportunity for her to strengthen her own wings? So often we are afraid our child will hurt himself, “Be careful," we caution. “Don't do that - you might get hurt." It's tough to watch your children struggle and of course we don't want them to hurt themselves. If this is the line of thinking that drives you forward to save your child from scrapes and bruises of life, take a big step backward and ponder words of wisdom from Rudolf Dreikurs, “A bruised knee will heal... bruised courage lasts a lifetime." In the big picture of life, are your reflex actions to save your child from “danger" truly helping her or hurting her?

Of course in an emergency situation, you will take action - and talk later. And in the heat of the moment delivering the missing toy to a screaming frustrated child can feel like an emergency. In reality it probably has a lot more to do with a parenting in training to solve her child's problems “on demand" and does nothing to strengthen the child's wings. If your child really does need help, rather than stepping in and doing it for her, be her coach. It may take more time at first, but in the end it will save you both lots of time and anguish. It will build your child's confidence, and your relationship will flourish. The atmosphere in homes improves dramatically when parents stop doing everything for their children and start doing more things with them.
© Maggie Reigh 2006

About The Author:
Maggie Reigh is an international speaker, author of the book & program 9 Ways to Bring Out the BEST in You & Your Child. For more parenting tips and newsletter visit http://www.maggiereigh.com/family-parentingcourse.htm email: maggiereigh@gmail.com